Synthesis
by JaneyShep1988
Summary: My take on the synthesis ending with a background of unrequited Shoker love. It felt awful to write it.


"Anderson?" was her last call to the man.

Her vision was blurry, tainted by the blood that flooded thick and crimson from her scalp. She could barely move, trying to put up with the acute pain that left her breathless. Her task was not done, she had to fight. Duty. Honor. Service. She had to save them, all of them. She had to save _him._

She had come so far, she couldn't give up. Her swollen eyes contemplated the destruction of the allies she had rallied, battling against doom, and the silent withered body of the only father figure she had known in her entire life. In her mouth the coppery flavor of the blood mixed with the salty one of her tears.

In the starred sky the ominous forms of the synthetic horrors razed the fleets, filling the darkness with scarlet beams, while blazing fires spread throughout the once pacific blue surface of the earth. She saw hundreds of vessels falling like bread crumbs into the void, and couldn't help but wonder how many lives were already lost.

Her eyes wandered around the outlines of the distant Reapers remembering they were just reflections of their organic creators. The galaxy was at the verge of extinction out of the fear and despair of organic beings; the apex of their cycle but organics nonetheless, just like her. In that moment all the fiery rage that had invaded her facing Sovereign and Harbinger, faded. They were not the ones to blame; they were just fulfilling the purpose traced for them trillions of years ago.

Like the quarians created the geth centuries ago, Leviathan's race brought doom upon themselves and every organic being that followed them. And the geth…

The geth that right now were helping to rebuild Rannoch. Her mind flew to Tali and her people, already in peace with the geth and she couldn't help but wonder, _didn't that already proved the Reapers wrong?_

Born out of necessity and not fear, the geth were also following the path traced for them centuries ago. But the difference was that they _chose_ to follow it. With free will, they showed them, all organics, that synthetics were not _evil_. Legion had proved her that long before.

 _Legion._

 _Legion and its sacrifice._ That sacrifice that showed her that they were closer in nature than she had thought; a sacrifice made to save its race. A sacrifice like the one she was willing to do.

 _Does this unit have a soul?_

Her friend's words resonated in her brain. She was sure, even before it asked. She could have chosen the quarians over the geth, but it wasn't right. They were forced to fight back, to defend themselves. And again, _they were not the ones to blame._

Once allowed to think for themselves, they have chosen to fight for organics. To help them. To befriend them.

 _Like EDI._

Her heart beat hard on her chest. She couldn't help it. Every time she thought about her, it hurt. She was her friend, she considered her that, but it didn't lessen the pain.

She still remembered her anguished call, when she was nothing but a primeval attempt of intelligence.

01001000010001010100110001010000

H E L P

She whimpered out of pain; her brain and body were crushed.

H E L P

But unlike EDI's case nobody would come to help her.

 _EDI_

" _What do you think about me and EDI?"_

That had been the question that shattered her soul. Even with the excruciating physical pain she felt, the emotional one surpassed it greatly. She had tried to make her last attempt, trying hard to make him see what she knew since the SR-1. How much she loved him.

It didn't work. He had chosen the AI.

And she had hated EDI for a while. But _she was not the one to blame._

"Shepard? Commander?" Admiral Hackett's voice broke her solipsism.

"What do you need me to do" she grunted. Forcing her mangled body to resist, she crawled forward, a shambled carcass of broken bones that were a woman once. Long ago, in another life.

"Nothing's happening! The Crucible is not firing" shouted Hackett's anxious voice.

She fought to regain strength, picking up her broken pieces. The strong desire of keep fighting made her stand, only to prove that even Commander Shepard had a limit. She fell, hitting the ground without feeling it, her body numbed by the overwhelming pain that encapsulated her entirely. She extended one hand covered in dried blood that clasped her palms and fingers.

"There's gotta be something on your end" pressured Hackett.

Grimacing, she lifted her head to see the console nearby. She gasped between gritted teeth, moving forward, creeping slowly, trying to control her disjointed members toward her goal. She had to save them. She had to save _him._

"Commander Shepard!" called out Hackett's imperious voice.

The console was so close, but she couldn't see anymore. Her tears, blood and her crusted disheveled hair clouded her vision, and she felt weaker by the minute.

"I… I don't… see it" she mumbled.

" _Do it. For him. Save him!_ " screamed her panicking brain.

In a final exertion she extended her arm.

"I'm not sure how to…" she whispered, without really knowing what she wanted to say.

Her eyes were starting to close, her brain was shutting down.

 _Jeff._

She passed out.

/

His knuckles were white of the strength he exerted on the arms of his chair. The ground team had got back a long time ago, but she had stayed. Why it had to be always her? Because it was her duty, her responsibility, because she wouldn't have wanted it in any other way. He grinned remembering her stubbornness, her strength, that fiery passion she had living that made everyone around her fell at her feet. He hadn't been impervious to it. But he knew his place.

 _What about me and EDI?_ He had asked her in an attempt to gain her confidence, but also to know her viewpoint. He had had it in mind, but at the same time he needed to know what Shepard thought about it. Her opinion was the most important thing in the galaxy for him.

But when she had implied other things, he frightened. It came out of nowhere and he wasn't prepared. She seemed as nonchalant as she were asking him for a magazine and it hurt him, while for him it would have meant to tell her that she already had his heart since they met.

How Shepard couldn't see his bluff? The man who hijacked an Alliance Ship, twice, and joined a terrorist organization for her, claiming chain of command? Laughable.

Out of resentment he had kept asking about EDI until she gave him her blessing, as if his rejection would have been nothing but a bump in the road.

But truth was that in that moment EDI was the last thing in his mind. _When she comes back, I'll tell her_ , he thought. Once they were free from the Reaper threat he would tell her everything without reservations.

/

Her head hurt, and she shivered feeling feverish and dizzy.

 _Destruction. Control. Synthesis._

It was way too much of a burden to make such an impossible choice.

The annihilation of all synthetic life seemed like the plausible choice, even if it were possible that some day in a remote future, all this could repeat again. Obliterate the Reapers at the cost of technology, at the cost of…

 _Does this unit have a soul?_

She couldn't do that to the geth, to the quarians depending on them, to EDI, to _Jeff._

The megalomaniac dream of The Illusive Man presented before her. Become an omnipotent entity? Living but not alive. No hopes, no pain, no fears. No memories of Jeff. Become a Reaper puppeteer? But what if that entity that was no longer her decided the Harvest should continue?

But the Catalyst had saved one last choice.

 _Synthesis._

To change the entire course of life, organic and synthetic alike. A solution that would imply to transform the foundations of life itself. _A new DNA_. An evolutionary leap so big it wouldn't arrive until probably millions of years had passed.

" _Why not?"_ Had the Catalyst answered to her dubitation " _Synthetics are already party of your life, can you imagine your life without them?"_

She couldn't.

" _Synthesis is the final evolution of life but we need each other to make it happen_ " the translucent entity had said.

Dissolve herself into the galaxy. Give new horizons to those left behind her. Consolidate the future in an everlasting peace.

What more she could have hoped for?

But she had to die.

It didn't matter if that would mean peace and happiness for her friends, for the galaxy… _for him._

She couldn't shake the idea that somehow he was a big part of her decision. He could finally be able to love EDI without restrains.That thought pierced her heart like a flaming spear.

Limping and in pain she moved forward towards the light of the Crucible. Her mind was made. The road was long and it held an inexorable aura of predestination.

Her lips held a prayer to wash away the fear of the unknown. If she stopped now, she knew she wouldn't be able to regain the strength to do it.

 _Do it. Make him happy. C'mon!_

In a rush of adrenaline she threw her gun away and ran blindly, jumping to the beam of light, closing her eyes.

 _I love you Jeff._

/

"All fleets the Crucible is armed. Disengage and head to the rendezvous point" was the clear command from Admiral Hackett.

 _No!_

Why wasn't she here already? He couldn't leave her behind. He couldn't. He was short of breath, with a knot in his stomach and his palms sweating. Terror in his eyes.

 _She has to come back!_

He didn't plan to leave. He would stay and die with her.

He felt someone touching his shoulder but with a violent movement he broke free. It was Kaidan. Nobody could stop him of staying with her. Tears seeped from his eyes, unbidden.

"I repeat, disengage and get the hell out of there" said Hackett.

 _No!_

His hands flew over the control panel, while he tried to steady the Normandy.

"Look, I know…" said Kaidan softly, grabbing his arm "but we have to"

He realized then he wasn't alone. He carried Shepard's team and friends. All valuable to her.

Never in his life had he felt more thorn. He knew Kaidan was right. He didn't have the right to throw their lives away.

 _Shepard._

His brain couldn't process she wasn't there anymore. His head hurt and the pain in his chest was almost unbearable.

Never in his life had he felt more defeated.

/

The Normandy crashed violently despite his best efforts. At the break of dawn Joker left the ship. He felt constrained, with the memoires of Shepard kissing every corner of the surroundings.

Stopping the Reapers had brought a titanic change he was just trying to understand as everybody else. Liara had already explained part of her assumptions about the display of the cybernetic patterns that extended beneath the skin of every organic crew member and the alterations EDI had claimed to feel.

He couldn't care less about it.

All he could think was her. The woman who sacrificed herself to save the galaxy. The woman he had always loved. Without noticing it he had started crying.

Maybe… maybe it was a good thing he couldn't tell her what he felt.

A sudden noise distracted him, making him turn. Liara was there.

"Joker, I… I need to give you this" she said looking down, and handing him a piece of paper. He extended his hand to grab it with a puzzled look. "It's from her" she added.

 _What?_

She almost tore the envelope apart and without waiting for Liara to leave he started to read the letter.

 _Jeff, if you are reading this, well you know what it means –_ He had to stop to contain a whimper - _I never thanked you for trusting in me, for being my friend, for being there since the beginning. You became the cornerstone of my troubled path. I know there aren't many chances for me to survive all this and I know it's terribly selfish of me to do this, but I want to do it anyway._

 _I love you Jeff Moreau. I always have and for what is worth I always will. Live your live well and remember me._

 _Love,_

 _Kayla_

The paper started to drench and the words to blur, before he realized that a stream of tears flooded from his eyes without him being able to control it. He bent forward possessed in a convulsive cry that rocked him to the core.

It took an hour and the joint efforts of Liara, Tali, Garrus and Kaidan for him to being able to stop and return to the ship.

When he lay down to rest, the nightmares that follow were fraught with the terror of losing her, without knowing that he already had.


End file.
